It's times like these that I question not only myself but the decisions I have made to commit to this disease. Yes I committed to diabetes. I vowed to stick it out through sickness and in health. I'm sad to say, on my husband's part, there has never been health throughout the duration of our marriage.
I am in an extremely difficult situation. Stephen has given up. The last time his sugar was checked was yesterday around 4 pm and I am the one who checked it. It was 41, I fed him and he never checked it again when it came back up. The reason it dropped was because he laid in bed all day, as this has become a habit for him or rather an escape. He has become aggressive and violent. My days of nursing him are over. When I wake him to check his sugar he yells at me.
He is severely depressed and has quit taking his anti-depressent medication. He has been lying about it for the past two months. So, now there are two diseases I am battling as well as an obstinate husband. I know he needs help, he thinks otherwise. For I am the problem, he has declared this several times in the past few days.
The only option I am left with is to force help on him. I worry what his attitude will be like after he gets it. Will he hate me for it or will he thank me? I accepted the fact that he was sick and would need my help. What I didn't bargain for was the enmity he now thrusts towards me.
His exasperation has saddened me beyond my limits. I am constricted and weak. I ache for benevolence from him and this disease but he shows no indication of care and diabetes shows no mercy.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Some Laughing May Be Required
Once more while Stephen lay asleep his sugar dropped. I found him covered in sweat and shivering. The sweating is always a big red flag. I'm not talking about a couple of beads on the forehead. No, this is like someone has thrown a bucket or two of water on him. I checked his sugar and it was 34. One thing I find strange about diabetes is nothing ever happens the exact same way twice. His sugar has dropped lower on several occasions and a few of those times he has still been functional. This time, though, I was having a difficult time waking him up.
The first thing I tried to do was get him up in a sitting position. This proved quite difficult mainly because he weighed almost 100 lbs more than me at the time. My little 98 lb self tugged and pulled, talking the whole time. I finally got him leaning up only to be disappointed as I watched him slump back down but before he could completely return to his former position I attempted to get him to take a drink of my coke. I poured some in his mouth and watched it gurgle back out.
At this point I frantically ran to the kitchen and found a candy cane. I unwrapped it and just held it in his mouth. I waited a few minutes and checked his sugar and it wasn't coming up. I went back to the kitchen where I made a sugar water mixture and threw a straw in it. Once again I was disappointed when he wouldn't drink so I did that thing where you put your finger over the end of the straw to keep a few drops inside and I dropped it in his mouth. It stayed inside his mouth and I saw him swallow. I began to draw more and more liquid into the straw until finally I was giving him about half a straw full at a time.
After the sugar water was gone I gave him back the candy cane and to my surprise and satisfaction he began to bite off a small amount and chew. I watched as the candy cane got shorter and shorter until finally all that was left was a piece just big enough to hold but large enough I didn't dare put it in his mouth in case he choked. I made another sugar water drink and held the straw to his mouth just knowing he'd be able to drink this time. Instead of sucking, he blew. I laughed and told him to drink but all I got in return was the bubbling gurgle of him blowing through the straw.
He had eaten the candy cane quite well so I went to the pantry and got a Pop Tart the good and iced ones with the drizzle on top, I think it may have been blueberry or maybe grape. It was sweet and that's all that matters. Stephen took a bite and began to chew, I had to snatch back on it several times to keep him from taking too big of a bite. He did well with it and I waited long enough that I knew he had to be thirsty and offered the sugar water once more. This time he drank. I had only mixed a small amount and I let him finish the Pop Tart before going to make more.
When I returned his eyes were open. I held the straw to his mouth and told him to drink and he once again blew bubbles in it. I firmly told him to drink and he took a sip and then returned to his blowing. I tried again, failed and finally he said, "I don't want that". I then put the straw in my coke and he drank.
I checked his sugar again and its 36 this time. I remember thinking what an amazing difference those two points had made. He went from being lethargic and non-compliant to just semi non-compliant very quickly. I gave him another Pop Tart and watched as he lay propped up on his elbow chewing slowly.
Soon he was saying he was ready for a shower and I knew his sugar had returned to a safe enough level for him to do so. I asked if he remembered blowing bubbles in the sugar water and giving me such a hard time and of course he didn't. I then asked if he remembered the first thing I gave him to eat and he said, "No. What was it?" When I told him his reply made me laugh, he said, "Candy cane? I don't even like candy canes. Why did you make me eat a candy cane?"
I found it strange yet interesting how childlike he was this particular time. He was extremely difficult and hard headed which makes me wonder if this is similar to what his mother went through when he was a child. I can still laugh about it and I will never look at a candy cane in the same way. I feel blessed to have been able to react as quickly as I did and to have enough sense during it all to make the right decisions.
The first thing I tried to do was get him up in a sitting position. This proved quite difficult mainly because he weighed almost 100 lbs more than me at the time. My little 98 lb self tugged and pulled, talking the whole time. I finally got him leaning up only to be disappointed as I watched him slump back down but before he could completely return to his former position I attempted to get him to take a drink of my coke. I poured some in his mouth and watched it gurgle back out.
At this point I frantically ran to the kitchen and found a candy cane. I unwrapped it and just held it in his mouth. I waited a few minutes and checked his sugar and it wasn't coming up. I went back to the kitchen where I made a sugar water mixture and threw a straw in it. Once again I was disappointed when he wouldn't drink so I did that thing where you put your finger over the end of the straw to keep a few drops inside and I dropped it in his mouth. It stayed inside his mouth and I saw him swallow. I began to draw more and more liquid into the straw until finally I was giving him about half a straw full at a time.
After the sugar water was gone I gave him back the candy cane and to my surprise and satisfaction he began to bite off a small amount and chew. I watched as the candy cane got shorter and shorter until finally all that was left was a piece just big enough to hold but large enough I didn't dare put it in his mouth in case he choked. I made another sugar water drink and held the straw to his mouth just knowing he'd be able to drink this time. Instead of sucking, he blew. I laughed and told him to drink but all I got in return was the bubbling gurgle of him blowing through the straw.
He had eaten the candy cane quite well so I went to the pantry and got a Pop Tart the good and iced ones with the drizzle on top, I think it may have been blueberry or maybe grape. It was sweet and that's all that matters. Stephen took a bite and began to chew, I had to snatch back on it several times to keep him from taking too big of a bite. He did well with it and I waited long enough that I knew he had to be thirsty and offered the sugar water once more. This time he drank. I had only mixed a small amount and I let him finish the Pop Tart before going to make more.
When I returned his eyes were open. I held the straw to his mouth and told him to drink and he once again blew bubbles in it. I firmly told him to drink and he took a sip and then returned to his blowing. I tried again, failed and finally he said, "I don't want that". I then put the straw in my coke and he drank.
I checked his sugar again and its 36 this time. I remember thinking what an amazing difference those two points had made. He went from being lethargic and non-compliant to just semi non-compliant very quickly. I gave him another Pop Tart and watched as he lay propped up on his elbow chewing slowly.
Soon he was saying he was ready for a shower and I knew his sugar had returned to a safe enough level for him to do so. I asked if he remembered blowing bubbles in the sugar water and giving me such a hard time and of course he didn't. I then asked if he remembered the first thing I gave him to eat and he said, "No. What was it?" When I told him his reply made me laugh, he said, "Candy cane? I don't even like candy canes. Why did you make me eat a candy cane?"
I found it strange yet interesting how childlike he was this particular time. He was extremely difficult and hard headed which makes me wonder if this is similar to what his mother went through when he was a child. I can still laugh about it and I will never look at a candy cane in the same way. I feel blessed to have been able to react as quickly as I did and to have enough sense during it all to make the right decisions.
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